There are no guarantees

Today we lost a family member - a really sweet, beautiful person - very suddenly in a tragic accident. I know I'm still in shock, and I suspect many others are too. It's just too hard to process the information. She left her husband and two beautiful little girls under the age of 5....

We constantly say things like, "there are no guarantees in life" and "live for today." When you actually realize that those things are true, it's almost traumatizing. After learning about Shelly's death, and thinking about her little girls and how her husband Kyle now has to go through life without his best friend, the realization that "there are no guarantees" struck me. And I don't like it.

Since marrying Ryan, I have all these thoughts and dreams about what our lives will be like together. Our kids, our house, our vacations, our successes and accomplishments along the way. And then when we found out we were pregnant, the dreams became even more real. Now I'm adding onto those dreams by thinking about first smiles, first words, first steps, school, dances, boyfriends, proms, on and on. It never occurred to me that I may not be around to see all these things. Or that Ryan wouldn't. Or even our baby (I could barely even type that...).

There are no guarantees. No one can assure me that I'll experience all these dreams the way I imagine them. It's not that I'm giving up on these dreams - that's all part of the fun of life. It's very possible that Ryan and I will grow old together and watch our children grow into adults and lead their own lives. But the thought that those things will not happen; that scares me. I guess this is all part of processing what happened today and moving towards grieving. When you lose someone suddenly, you take stock in your own life I suppose. Realizations that life is not guaranteed and things probably won't turn out the way you hope they will - well, they are hard to handle.

We'll miss you Shelly. Kyle and the girls will be taken care of, but they will never be the same. You will always be one of the most important people in their lives and that will never change.