Parenting Struggles

This past Monday the 15^th Claire turned 8 weeks old. That doesn’t sound like much, but it feels like a lifetime to me. The first 4-5 weeks were really stressful, much like any new parent experiences. Everything is doing great now, but man was it hard at first.

When I was pregnant it was ingrained in my mind that I would breastfeed my daughter for at least 6 months. It wasn’t a question in my mind this would happen. I would tell people that if we needed to use formula for some reason, I would do so. I now know I didn’t really believe that. 

Within the hour of Claire being born, we tried breastfeeding for the first time. That girl latched on like a pro. We never had a problem nursing; it was the most natural thing for us both. And it startled me how much I absolutely loved nursing her. It was the greatest bond and I felt I was doing my job well – my only job was to feed this baby, and I was doing it without a problem. Well, so I thought…

Claire cried a lot the first week or two, but we didn’t think much of it (but we were exhausted). But once we were more familiar with her we noticed that her cries were more like cries of pain than cries of hunger or tiredness. She would pull her little legs up to her chest and SCREAM. Her “crying” those first few weeks was really like screaming, but we didn’t know the difference. Like most new parents, we researched and talked about this ad nauseum. We found out that Ryan had to be put on soy formula at a couple months old, and I had to be put on formula at 8 weeks. My mom kept telling me that she wishes she would have put me on formula sooner, because I was so much happier. So we talked about trying out formula. 

First we tried formula for sensitive stomachs – but not exclusively. I nursed during the day, and Ryan gave her formula at night. Nothing changed, so we went back to nursing exclusively for a week or so. Then we talked to the nurse at the pediatrician’s office, and she suggested trying soy formula exclusively over the weekend. And that made all the difference in our baby girl. She was calm, content, HAPPY.  I was torn – I was relieved that she was so calm, but I was destroyed inside that I “failed” my most important job. I couldn’t feed my baby like I was supposed to. It also bothered me that she wouldn’t get the antibodies she needed. I mean, breast milk is the absolute best for your baby, right? So I tried nursing once or twice a day. What did she do after those feedings? Cry and scream and pull her legs up to her chest. Feed her soy formula and she was good to go. She also had a really, really bad rash all over her face, scalp, shoulders back and chest. Once I stopped nursing it disappeared over night. I cannot explain to you how I felt – still feel – about this. Don’t get me wrong, I do not want my baby to be in pain. I want her to get what she needs and feel good, be content. I selfishly needed – still need – to nurse her. I LOVED breastfeeding. I never thought I’d say that, but I can’t explain how difficult it was for me to stop. I cried every day for a week at the thought of not feeding my baby. On top of all that, I had this outrageously expensive breast pump, a super cute nursing cover, nursing pads, nursing tank tops, etc. that I wouldn’t be using anymore. The whole situation sucked for me. I did pump quite a bit and was able to store a good amount of milk in the deep freeze.

My advice for women who are expecting: when your baby gets here give yourself a break. If you can breastfeed exclusively, enjoy every minute of it, even the hard parts. It’s a gift even if it doesn’t come to you naturally at first. And if for some reason breastfeeding doesn’t work out for you and your baby, don’t beat yourself up about it like I did. Focus on what works for your baby – that’s first and foremost. Your feelings and your needs come second to that. It took me awhile to come to terms with all this. I’m still not completely there; I miss breastfeeding my baby, but she’s so happy now that I cannot go back.