The Real Me

I’ve been back to work for a week now, and I have to admit the transition went pretty smoothly (thank God). I started out with two half days, then last Wednesday I started full days. My father-in-law, who lives 5 minutes from us, is watching Claire during the day. Everything is working out wonderfully so far. I don’t worry about her during the day because I know she’s in good hands. And I don’t have to worry about her catching a virus at daycare because it’s just the two of them. And while she’s hanging with grandpa, I am 45 minutes away being a productive employee.

I really thought I would cry or at least feel upset when I left in the morning. I haven’t done either. Does that make me a bad mom? I love that girl more than anything, but I feel a little sense of relief when I am making that 45 minute drive with the radio up and not having to worry about her in the back seat.

At work I have 16 pictures of Claire in my small little cubicle. I glance at them no less than every 5 minutes. That little face makes me smile. It also reminds me why I’m sitting in that cubicle in the first place – to support my family. I have great health insurance, make decent money, and I feel I’m a better mom to her when I get home in the evening.

Let me expand on that last statement: when I’m at work, I freely admit it is a break from caring for my baby girl. Maternity leave was an awesome time to get to know my daughter, but it also drove me crazy. I’m not meant to stay at home. I need to be out, feeling productive. Before I started back to work, when Ryan would get home from work I would rush off to Target just to get out of the house. Not away from Claire, but just OUT. I know understand that going back to work is going to make me a better mom. When I get home from work I’m more attentive towards her because I really missed her during the day. I make the most of my time with her. I can still get the housework and other chores done, but the majority of my time at home is focused on my family. It’s like I’m spending my time more efficiently.

Last week I struggled with figuring out who the “real” me was/is. It was like I needed to choose between being a mom and being an employee. I felt guilty for being at work and even guiltier for not being more upset being away from her. I still don’t have it figured out, but I’m more comfortable knowing that the situation we have going right now is working. It’s good. We’re happy – all of us. So the new “me’ is a combination of mom, employee, wife – that’s a lot to fit into one day, but I don’t know if I’d have it any other way right now.